Purpose of Blog? Am I a blogger?

Often I think back to this blog and I cringe.

For a long time I considered whether this was my "serious" blog and the rest of the social media accounts were merely for fun. The truth is maybe I'm not a good writer. Maybe I've fooled myself into thinking I was. For a long time this blog was merely an escape. Something to define me as a "writer". As if I knew what that meant.

One of my Writing lecturers once told me that the tone I use in my writing often sounds forced. I never understood that until I re-read some of my posts.  I think that I was trying to sound like my idea of a writer sounded like. I feel myself falling into that trap even now. Very few of my previous posts felt very real or truthful (whatever that means). 2015 has taught a lot about the complexity of human beings, culture, emotion and about being sensitive to these complexities. It has taught me to think critical about the media we consumed, the cultures we appropriate and the people we interact with. I will be deleting a number of problematic posts because I'm not the same person I was when I wrote them.

If you have been following this blog thank you. I will and can do better. 

Watsky and my approach to companionship

As I mentioned in a previous post I absolutely spoken word poetry and during my search through the internet I discovered George Watsky. Watsky is an American rapper and poet, who performs slam poetry, and was featured on Season 6 of Russell Simmons Presents Def Poetry on HBO.  Watsky graduated from Emerson College in 2010 and has achieved newfound fame with his viral YouTube video "Pale kid raps fast" (now called "Watsky raps fast")

In January 2013, Watsky announced he would be releasing a new album entitled Cardboard Castles. Watsky's poetry incorporates political and social themes and he switches easily between silly and serious, technically complex and simply heartfelt.

I love Watsky’s work and this year especially I’ve been more and more drawn to his song and his political messages. Last year he also released a web series called “Watsky: Making an Album.” The web series follows a fictional representation of Watsky as he attempts to produce and market his new album.

This is my favourite poem from Watsky: It's called The Lonely Heart's Club. (Sorry about the sound.) 

Watsky is a dorky, white rapper with a conscience. Often mistake for Michael Cera. My favourite song of his is “Sloppy Seconds.” It is all about love, but isn’t a typical love song. It doesn’t describe love as being perfect. Instead it talks about accepting your lover’s flaws and hoping that they accept your flaws. “I’m fucked up just like you. And you’re fucked up just like me.” I guess I can relate to that. I don’t want someone who tries to be perfect, but rather someone who has a desire to experience life. This year many of the potential love interests in my life I’ve had to drop because they bored. Not because there was anything specifically wrong with them-unless you count one or two psychos- but rather because they weren’t able to understand where I was coming from. I’m tired of being bitter about failed relationship that, in the bigger picture, did not mean that much to me. You can’t hate someone for not loving you the way you love them. You can’t make someone love. 

I hope that when I do find that imperfect person they love we with all my sloppy seconds. 

Re-thinking my writing:

I written numerous posts about why I write and desperately I want to become a writer, but I guess the reason I haven’t blogged in a while (other than being busy and lazy) is because I have lost a some faith in my writing ability. It still feels as if I still haven’t found my “voice” yet.

I read some of my fellow writers and friend’s blogs and I’ve blown away by the talents and the beauty in their words. All that I seem to produce are cliques and tired, grammatically-incorrect phrases. This year I also don’t have anyone to push me to write and the only writing that I seem to do involves academic summaries. Let’s be honest, anyone has hustle 500 summaries if they truly tried. I miss being forced to creative. I miss chasing that muse when she refuses to say hello.  

Hopefully by writing this post I will be encouraging myself to continue writing and to continue producing work that I am proud of. I’m going to try and write about things that are closer to home. Things that I can emotionally respond to.

Here’s to a fresh perspective. 

Freaks and Geeks:

How I do I even start talking about Freaks and Geeks? If you know me then you know that I have extreme FOMO and I love being in the loop. I am thus very drawn to cult classics, because people are always talking about them. It is therefore only natural that I discovered Freaks and Geeks.

Freaks and Geeks is a 1999 T.V series about a group of high school students in the 80’s who are trying to navigate their lives through the complexity of high school interactions.

It is honestly one of the most realistic television series I’ve ever seen; reflecting the troubles of growing up. It has extremely relatable yet quirky characters; featuring two different groups of teenagers: the Freaks with cool and charismatic Daniel Desario and tomboy Lindsay Weir and the Geeks with Lindsay's shy younger brother Sam, gentle Bill Haverchuck, and self-proclaimed ladies' man Neal Schweiber. The show chronicles the normal teen/adolescence problems any teenager goes through including acceptance, drugs, drinking, and bullying.

Freaks and Geeks has a devoted cult following. The series appeared on Time magazine's 2007 "100 Greatest Shows of All Time" list, as well as placing 3rd on their list of the greatest television shows of the 2000s. It has become a cult classic after being tragically cancelled after only one season. 

What could be better than a young James Franco, Seth Rogan and Jason Segel?!! Seriously, nineteen-year old Jason Segel is one of the best things I’ve seen on TV.

My top 10 memorable moments:

1.       The title sequence. (Joan Jett's Bad Reputation) 

2.       Nick and Lindsey’s first kiss. (Perfection)

3.       Lindsey’s first time being high and being convinced that her life was a dog’s dream.

4.       Sam streaking through the school.

5.       Nick singing “Lady” to Lindsey.

6.   Lindsey kisses Barry. (Even though he was only in one episode I could totally relate to Barry’s existential crisis)

7.   Daniel showing off his punk look to impress a punk girl.

8.   Bill kissed cheerleader Vicky.

9.   Daniel tries to get away with cheating on a test and tells Lindsey to “be cool” when she blows their cover: 

10.   Daniel joins the Geeks for their Dungeons and Dragons night, where they all bond over Daniel’s creation of Carlos the Dwarf.

 http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2012/10/10-reasons-to-stop-what-youre-doing-and-watch-freaks-and-geeks-on-netflix.html

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2013/01/photos-freaks-and-geeks-reunion-exclusive_slideshow_item1_2

Do I dare disturb the universe?

This may be my last year at Rhodes. I guess that has made me quite nervous about where my life is going. I’m no stranger to the occasional existential crisis moment. (You know those moments in the Journalism department where you just want to crawl into the foetal position and cry?) This feeling of uncertainty has, ironically, given me some clarity when it comes to other parts of my life and what I want from them.

I may not know what I’m going to end up doing with my life, but I now know that it has be intellectually stimulating. It has to be creative. And yes, it even has to be challenging. I want to be challenged and I want to keep learning. I want to learn how to live alone. To be alone and comfortable in my solitude. I want to go to bed and feel comfortable with the empty space around me. I want comfortable in the silence.

I want to be with someone who is interesting and who will also challenge me to think about things differently. I want someone who has their own life and who will respect my life apart from them. I want someone independent. Overall just someone who respects me.  I’ve become complacent with the people I’ve let into my life. I’ve been disrespected and misused. I’ve not been clear about what I want. A few mistakes tend to lead you back on the right path.

So from this point forward, I hope to take more risks. Because knowing is better than the uncertainty. I’ll order something new off the menu. I’ll go to that talk on financial management. I’ll sign-up for that society I’ve always been interested in. I’ll go out and not drink. I’ll go to that community outreach project. Or that underwater club event.

I’ll approach that person I’ve never considered before. I’ll have the conversation that I have been avoiding. I’ll cook for my loved ones. I’ll give that certain person a chance. I’ll let that certain person go. I’ll not be afraid to embarrass myself.

I’ll dare to disturb the universe. 

Penny-ness:

After a lot of begging from my friends I finally watched Happy Endings; ABC's comedy about a couple who break up at the altar, and follows the fallout that affects their group of friends. 

They deal with finding love, a good job, and the perfect pop-culture gag. The show has an excellent cast and lot of zany physical comedy. It a shame that it got cancelled after only three Seasons, but the jokes are still a large of my friend groups' every day conversations. ("Shut your whore mouth.") 

Before watching, a lot of my friends my friends said that the character of Penny Hartz reminds them of me. After watching I can see what they are getting at. I’m the Penny of our group of friends and I’m not complaining.

Penny, played by Casey Wilson, is the social glue of these friends. Always quick to offer advice to either Alex or Dave about the ups and downs of dating; despite the fact she has very little luck with her love life. Her relationships are normally very short. Penny and Max have been best friends since college and provide each other a shoulder to lean on. Penny and Max dated before he came out as gay. Penny speaks Italian when drunk. She hits her head often and is very clumsy.

Sounds familiar, right?

 Yeah, Penny Hartz is my spirit animal. 

Warsan Shire: An inspiration

London-based Somali poet, Warsan Shire, has a way of using her words to stir up familiar, hidden emotions. I have fallen in love with her poetry and her readings are very moving. One reviewer has said: “Her poetry carries the energy of multiple women, the depth of many generations, and the weight of many lives lived.”  

Warsan Shire is a poet, writer, editor and educator who reads her work extensively all over Britain and internationally – including recent readings in South Africa, Italy, Germany, Canada, America and Kenya. In early 2012, the soft-faced and wide-eyed 23-year old poet published her first book of poetry, “Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth” where raw and unsheltered words meet the warmth and tenderness of her spirit.

“I meet someone and pick up on something they have said, or I am taken by the way they laugh and a poem drags itself from that moment. I have seen couples argue in the street and written as if I have followed them home. Imagination is important, but the people are real people. Also, I suppose, anyone you can imagine already exists.”

I would suggest checking out her “warsan versus melancholy (the seven stages of being lonely)” series. It’s absolutely beautiful:

http://warsanshire.bandcamp.com/

Below I have attached two of my favourite poems from this series, but they are perfect expressions of what it is like to be a young woman balancing love and life. Finding yourself should be a priority over finding someone to love. Loving yourself is a clique, because it’s true. It’s not an easy claim to stick to, but it should be something we think about on our quest for meaning. For me the poem is about remembering your worth and not settling for anything less.   

questions for the woman i was last night (the honest conversation)

(https://soundcloud.com/chrstn/questions-for-the-woman-i-was)

how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

why do you find the unavailable so alluring? where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?

if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?

all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you,

you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?

and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?

for women who are difficult to love (the affirmation)

(http://vimeo.com/36289832)

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Musicals! (Part 1)

I’ve always loved musicals, but last year for my Drama exam I’ve had to study The American Musical and I was suddenly reminded about why I loved them so much. Musicals involve high energy performances by very skilled and talented performers who can act, sing and dance. Most musicals contain some kind of moral message and end on an uplifting or inspirational note. And most of them just encourage you to sing along. 

Here is a list of some of my favourite musical moments:

Oklahoma!

In high school a preformed in a Showtime variety show, in which we did numerous songs from different famous musicals. One of the more memorable ones was the main song of the American staple musical Oklahoma! A song about strong values in a time of strife. Despite it's quite clumsy race and gender relations this musical started the musical trend of the 1950s by being the first musical of its kind that involved music and a story. A perfect example of show tune cheesy-ness:

Moulin Rouge!

Almost every Theatre kid that I know is completely obsessed with Moulin Rouge. How can you not be?! The Can-Can, the costumes, the love story. (Ewan McGregor!) In High School my friends did a re-enactment of some of the movie’s best scenes for our Theatre class. I fell in love with the Tango because of this scene:

 

Cell Block Tango for Chicago

Another fixture of all Musical buffs. The women in prison discuss the various way in which they murdered their lovers. Even if you haven't seen this movie, you've heard this song: 

Rent

Even if you haven’t watched this play, this song is a huge part of everyone’s musical repertoire:

Funny girl

I’ve never seen Funny Girl, but one cannot delve into the world of musicals without stumbling on Barbra Striesand’s stunning performance of “Funny Girl” and “Don’t Rain on my Parade.”

Lea Michelle's Glee version was also very powerful:

 

Look out for Part 2

Rhodes Confessions:

Despite all the pretentious blogs written about this topic I think that the Rhodes Confession page has spurred on a lot of debate. Last year one of my friends, an exchange student from Boston, told us about Boston Collage Confessions.  For the last three years Boston students have been making anonymous confessions about student life. Recently Rhodes got themselves a confessions pages too; following UCT’s example- who fairly beat us to it. There was a lot of drama with the original page- which I’m not going to get into- but to make a long, ugly story short the page was shut down and a few unnecessary harsh words were said to innocent parties. Two other Rhodes Confession pages were created in its absence, but they didn’t live up to the 6000 follower infamy of the original.

I’m not going to lie. Some stupid things have come out of this Confession pages. People take the opportunity to confess to absolutely crazy things, which may or may not even be true. A lot of the confessions disgusted me, but there were a number of ones that stood out. For me the confessions’ page has been a very interesting insight into the lives of the people that live around me. Imperfect, flawed humans who for the first felt that they could be honest about the completely human things that they do. Often I was even able to make out who made a certain confession.  Rhodes Confessions united Rhodents and it gave many of us a sense of patriotic pride in our status as Rhodents. And that, in itself, can outshine the negative aspects. 

“I’m not a bitch”

I’m not a bitch for not wanting to hook up with you. I’m not a bitch for taking my drunk friend home instead of letting her go home with that guy. I’m not a bitch for confronting you about trying to grope me and my friends at the bar. I’m not a bitch for asking you to be professional instead of inappropriate at work. I’m not a bithc for asking you not to be vulgar towards me when I don’t know you. I’m not a bitch for asking you to leave me alone repeatedly. So don’t called me a bitch for standing up for myself. 

I decided to reactivate my blog with a post about harassment. It’s distressing to think that domestic violence, gender-based violence and sexual assault are a great part of the socio-political landscape of our society. The scary part of this kind of harassment is that many women get used to it. I started writing this post before the Yes All Women hashtag came out and it is even more relevant to me in light of that.

Every sphere of a women’s life she is told by society that she has to be cautious of the advances of men. This plays into the larger ideologies surrounding gender and women’s safety within order society. Women are taught to be fearful, thus perpetuating the notion that women are vunerable and weak. I was talking to a girl in a bar the one night and a male friend of mine (whom she didn’t know) approached our table. She immediately tensed up and when he left she told me that a man had harassed her as she was walking in and she was still took shaken up to be around me. I had a similar experience when a man much older than me shoved me, because I refused to kiss him. (He was clearly much older- older even than my own father.) These are small moments and in a way I’m blessed that nothing worse has happened to me. Even that thought plans into greater ideology of rape culture. We are encouraged to think of ourselves as victims.

I recently found a very great quote on Twitter from a male journalist who summed up this problem very clearly:

“Not all men menace, but all women have been menaced by men.”

My own #YesAllWomen Tweets (based on real experiences):

#YesAllWomen because I shouldn't be called a "bitch" for not responding to vulgar and disrespectful comments about my appearance.

#YesAllWomen because, in order to feel safe, I need to run through certain sections of my home town if I'm walking alone.

#YesAllWomen because a man much older than me shouldn't shove my friends and I when we wouldn't respond to his inappropriate comments.

Recently a man was very respectful towards me and my choices and I want to live in a world where I'm not surprised about this.